bubba love

Oh I just love having a baby around. Every day I fall in love with the little guy all over again. Yep, mothering is so much more challenging than I ever thought possible and it takes every grain of my being to stay calm and composed about 10 percent of the time. (For instance, when Cal didn’t fall asleep until 9 last night – which wrung me out like a towel and left me energy-less. It was because we had a friend over and he doesn’t sleep with strangers in the house. Yes, he is super aware of these things.)

But, it’s so meditative and life affirming to watch my little boy grow and flourish and I think I would cross oceans just to hang with him even if we weren’t genetically linked. I’m mesmerized by those eyes and how he tinkers to discover the underbelly of things.

Yesterday after Cal’s last nap, we went out in the backyard so I could line dry his diapers. He sat in his little u-shaped pillow until he careened backward and then he stayed lying on his pillow with his head angling upside down for several minutes, just looking at our tree. I wish I could’ve had temporary entrance into his mind to discover what he was thinking – I especially wonder what’s turning in those wheels when he gets fixated stuff.

I can’t really describe it, but how he is just makes me laugh and smile. Like when he says “dadadadada” under his breath to the car window on the way to work, when he wiggles his body in delight upon seeing a friendly face, when he squeezes and flexes his fingers over and over, or when he pinches people’s cheeks and lips when they lean close, leaving them wincing and struggling to talk. Also, I love how he sits up like a regular person until suddenly he falls to the floor, like a felled tree, then blinks and moves on, and when his face completely folds in on itself, puckering and seeming to say: “you just offended me by giving me that, how disgusting,” when we feed him anything besides squash. I also can’t get enough of his squeaks and loud, purring breaths, especially when he’s tired – I guess only a mother would actually think that is cuter than anything on this planet.